Wide Awake

It's 3:30am and I'm wide awake. Maybe it's because I slept for over 12 hours last night, maybe it's because I've been reading a great book for the last two hours, maybe it's because my thoughts are too heavy to let my mind float off to sleep, maybe it's because all of the above. Whatever the reason, I lie here awake in my bed in a cocoon of warmth and I miss you and I hate waiting. I wait til we chat next on MSN. I wait til the next time you call me. I wait til I can see you again, hold your hand and exist in the circle of your arms. I wait til I can stop holding my breath and start my life. I wait til I figure out what I wanna do with that life. I wait, in my bed, at 3:30am, and I miss you.

I won't list all the things I miss, because I've done that before and I'm sure I'll do it again. I won't tell you why I miss them, for the above reasons and because you already know. I won't whine, because I have and will again. I will say simply that I miss you, and know that that's enough.

I've cried a lot, and I will cry more. I've hurt, I hurt, and I will hurt. It sucks now, and it will suck a lot more before it's over. But life is what it is. I have loved, love, and will love you, and for me that is enough.

I love you, and for me that is enough.

I Was Just Thinking

I was just thinking that I have been missing you for way too long
There's something inside this weary head that wants us to love just instead
But I was just thinking, merely thinking I've got loads of pictures
I've got the one of you in that dancing dress
But man I feel silly in that dim light just after doing you by the sight of My Kodak delights
I am sinking, merely sinking
I think about long distance rates instead of kissing you babe
I'm a singer without a song
If I wait for you longer my affection is stronger
I, I was just thinking and thinking, merely thinking
That this boat is sinking
Yeah I'm tired of postcards
Especially the ones with cute dogs and cupids
I'm tired of calling you and missing you
And dreaming that I've slept with you
Don't get me wrong I still desperately love you
Inside this weary head
I just want us to love, just instead
But I was just thinking and thinking, merely thinking
I think about long distance rates instead of kissing you babe
And time is running me still
If I wait for you longer my affection is stronger I was just thinking
Babe, I was just thinking
That I'm tired of calling you once a week
And thinking of long distance rates instead of kissing you
Baby I'm sinking, merely sinking


- "I Was Just Thinking" by Teitur

Gone

Well, you're really gone now. Gone for 15 months and separated from me by much more than distance. It's a damn hard situation.

I keep wavering between the solid belief that we'll make it through this, and the insecure doubt that we may not. Thankfully the belief weighs much stronger than the doubt.

It feels like I'm lost, wandering around confused and dazed by my loneliness. I feel like my heart is a big empty room, almost all in shadow with dust on every surface. All that indicates your presence is a trail of footsteps in the dust leading to, and through, the door... and the distinct feeling in the air of waiting.

Waiting... for 15 months.

Drained

It's like there's a deep pool inside my heart, or simply, a big hole. When I'm with you, the hole fills up with love and happiness until it overflows. My whole being is filled with light when I can kiss you and be in your arms.

And the second I let go of your hand and stepped through security today, I felt the bottom of my heart drop out, and the happy pool start to empty. It's a heartsick feeling, one I wouldn't want to wish on anyone.

Perhaps the worst of it is that I don't know when I'll be with you again and have my insides full once more. I only know that it will be some months, and it will be hard.

Unsatisfied

For the last couple weeks, a lot of the things in my life have been failing to satisfy me. When I'm hungry, I rarely want anything specific to eat, and the food I end up eating doesn't leave me feeling full even if I can no longer eat a single bite without bursting. I'm restless, usually unable to chose an activity to keep me occupied. Therefore I often bury myself in a book, and become unhappy with the time I've spent indoors reading on a nice day. I tend towards apathy when at home, like I'm telling myself going out or doing something productive won't satiate me. I feel... no, I know that there's something, maybe more than one thing, missing from my life.

I know the hole at my side where my love should be is one of them, and I know the lack of a direction in my future is most definitely another. But the trouble is that I don't know if there are more things in my life that are lacking and causing this feeling of unease.

I want to eat something and I don't know what, I want to dance yet I hear no music and something holds me back, I want to be in your arms yet this distance thwarts me. I want to feel your hand on my cheek and the sweet brush of your lips on mine. I want to have a purpose and a direction in my life - somewhere I can head towards.

I'm so sick of this.

I'm so sick and tired of being beat at from all angles about where I'm taking my life. I know my family means well but it seems like I can't go a day without them bringing it up, offering advice, asking questions, probing my mind to try to find answers that aren't there, misunderstanding my meaning, my intentions, my desires...

I'm so sick of being unsure, and not having the courage and drive to do what it takes for me to become sure.

I'm so sick of crying, and crying, and crying because I feel adrift in a sea of wonderful possibilities that I just don't seem to want to reach out and grasp. I'm sick of myself, sick of my inability to commit to anything, sick of this feeling of inadequacy that is only magnified by my family's solicitousness and attention. The slightest sign of sympathy just makes the tears come harder.

I'm so sick of the endless loop in my head. I wish I could spend one freaking day without this endless litany of "Where am I going? What am I doing? Why can't I make any decisions?" running through my head. I can't relax for one moment without bombarding myself with questions that I can't answer, try as I might.

I'm so god damned sick of this.

Military Girlfriend

I am a military girlfriend.
I hold no formal recognition with the powers that be.
I am at the bottom of the chain.
I hold no military ID card.
I am not a dependent or a parent.
The man I love may face unspeakable dangers, and I am at the mercy of those who possess this recognition for news.
I understand this and accept this.

I am a military girlfriend.
I have promised to be here for him upon his return, no matter how long he is away.
People may say I am insane for making such a commitment with no guarantees, but I hold onto our promises and have faith that he will come home safe to me.
I know full well that my love for him fuels him in the worst of times.

I am a military girlfriend, there is no ring on my finger to symbolize our commitment, though I love him no less for it.
I hope everyday that he will be able to call because a simple 30 second phone call can bring the greatest spectrum of emotions, smiling with tears in my eyes from so much joy and pain.
My relationship is based on a brief communication where "I love you" and " I'm okay" speaks more than volumes and gives me the strength to keep going.

I am a military girlfriend.
I take no moment spent together for granted.
I hold onto every touch, caress, kiss, every word.
I have memorized the feel of his skin, his smell, the sound of his voice, and I play it over and over in my mind so that I will not forget.
I cry myself some nights because missing him hurts so badly, but wake up the next morning, brush myself off, and start a new day.
I am a military girlfriend, not a spouse or a family member.
When you say your prayers for the wives, mothers, and fathers, please don't forget about me.