Warning: May Contain Whining

(Who am I kidding? Definitely contains whining.)

I hate saying goodnight to you. The first time we chatted after you left, when I went to say goodnight, I sat there with "goodnight " written and my fingers hovering over the keyboard to type "baby" for a long time before I finally wrote "mike" and felt my heart crack just a tiny bit more. Now every time I say goodnight to you I feel the absence of that "baby" that I can't say now cause maybe it will mean more than it does and I can't say "sweetie" or "hun" because I call everyone that and you're not just an everyone to me. So I sit there agonizing over how to say goodnight, like a complete moron.

I hate saying goodnight cause it means now I have to face my big, empty, lonely bed, which I've already gone on and on about so I won't expand further tonight.

I hate saying goodnight cause then I want to hug and kiss you, and every time I think of hugging and kissing you, that crack in my heart gets a tiny bit bigger.

Talking to you feels like I'm a huge fake, because most of the time I'm searching for neutral, inane things to say instead of saying what I really want to say because I know you'd just find me annoying and needy. I can't just moan on and on at you about how I miss you and love you and hate being apart from you and blah blah blah. You know how I feel, and saying it every time I see you won't change anything or make any of the pain go away. I never want to make you roll your eyes and say to yourself "oh great, here she goes again, crying and clutching at me like a desperate idiot." I never want you to be embarrassed because of me.

I miss talking to you but I'm scared to call you, in case we end up with nothing to say to each other and a big, long, awkward silence that screams at me that we're totally and completely over and I may as well let go of all my cautious hopes for us.

Thank you for the necklace. I know I asked specifically for one so you may feel like its worth as a present is lessened by the lack of surprise, but the jewelery set is beautiful and I love it. The necklace makes me feel better when I get sad or lonely, and I touch it and remind myself that whatever I'm feeling, whatever happens, I was loved by a wonderful man.

Like Strangers

It feels like you've gone from being my boyfriend to being a stranger. I used to know all these little details about your day and your life and now I don't know anything at all. I can't just turn to you with the hundred small things I want to tell you each day, and it feels like I have no right to expect you to contact me.

A little space right now is maybe a good thing so we can both clear our heads. Or maybe not. I have nfi.

I just don't like feeling like we're strangers.

My Armour Fails at Night

I have developed an excellent set of armour. It keeps the sadness from getting to me, and I can go about my day like a normal person. Part of my armour is keeping myself busy, and another part is just not thinking too much about you, and us. My armour is very effective during the day.

But when I climb in bed and turn out the light, my armour instantly dissolves and the sadness hits me. It's uncanny how practically instantaneous it is. One minute I'm fine, setting the alarm on my phone and grabbing my sleeping mask, then I turn out the light, roll over, and I'm depressed. I don't always cry, but I always get sad.

I also get angry, at the circumstances that have taken us apart. I try not to let myself ponder what ifs, but lying in my bed in the dark they poke at the edge of my brain. What if I was American? What if you were Canadian? What if you lived in Washington or Oregon instead of Georgia? What if I only had a couple months instead of a couple years of school left? What if? What if? What if? I think about the next two or three years of school and I get angry, and tired.

I also get hit with memories of the time we've had together, which make me both happy and sad. I'd list a few now, but I know that wouldn't be productive cause it'd just make me cry. Let me just say that there are a lot of them and I'm so happy to have them.

I miss you so much. I keep looking for you on MSN and online, wanting to have a conversation with you. I get the urge to text you so much but I always feel like I'm going to be interrupting you or bugging you. I miss the sound of your voice but I don't want to call in case you can't talk, because I know hearing your voice for a second and having to hang up because you're busy will probably just make me more sad. I don't want to be the whiny, nagging girl who you avoid.

I'm working really hard at not being bitter at the universe/God, but it's really hard not to be right now.

I'm sorry about all these whiny, depressing blog entries, but this is what I do when I need to talk my feelings, because I know if I tried to say these things out loud to someone, I'd just dissolve into a useless puddle of tears. I'm not going about my days in a cloud of depression, but sometimes I just need to say these things, even if I'm just typing them on a blog that only you read.

I hope you're doing as well as, or better than, I am with all this.