I Was Just Thinking

I was just thinking that I have been missing you for way too long
There's something inside this weary head that wants us to love just instead
But I was just thinking, merely thinking I've got loads of pictures
I've got the one of you in that dancing dress
But man I feel silly in that dim light just after doing you by the sight of My Kodak delights
I am sinking, merely sinking
I think about long distance rates instead of kissing you babe
I'm a singer without a song
If I wait for you longer my affection is stronger
I, I was just thinking and thinking, merely thinking
That this boat is sinking
Yeah I'm tired of postcards
Especially the ones with cute dogs and cupids
I'm tired of calling you and missing you
And dreaming that I've slept with you
Don't get me wrong I still desperately love you
Inside this weary head
I just want us to love, just instead
But I was just thinking and thinking, merely thinking
I think about long distance rates instead of kissing you babe
And time is running me still
If I wait for you longer my affection is stronger I was just thinking
Babe, I was just thinking
That I'm tired of calling you once a week
And thinking of long distance rates instead of kissing you
Baby I'm sinking, merely sinking


- "I Was Just Thinking" by Teitur

Gone

Well, you're really gone now. Gone for 15 months and separated from me by much more than distance. It's a damn hard situation.

I keep wavering between the solid belief that we'll make it through this, and the insecure doubt that we may not. Thankfully the belief weighs much stronger than the doubt.

It feels like I'm lost, wandering around confused and dazed by my loneliness. I feel like my heart is a big empty room, almost all in shadow with dust on every surface. All that indicates your presence is a trail of footsteps in the dust leading to, and through, the door... and the distinct feeling in the air of waiting.

Waiting... for 15 months.

Drained

It's like there's a deep pool inside my heart, or simply, a big hole. When I'm with you, the hole fills up with love and happiness until it overflows. My whole being is filled with light when I can kiss you and be in your arms.

And the second I let go of your hand and stepped through security today, I felt the bottom of my heart drop out, and the happy pool start to empty. It's a heartsick feeling, one I wouldn't want to wish on anyone.

Perhaps the worst of it is that I don't know when I'll be with you again and have my insides full once more. I only know that it will be some months, and it will be hard.

Unsatisfied

For the last couple weeks, a lot of the things in my life have been failing to satisfy me. When I'm hungry, I rarely want anything specific to eat, and the food I end up eating doesn't leave me feeling full even if I can no longer eat a single bite without bursting. I'm restless, usually unable to chose an activity to keep me occupied. Therefore I often bury myself in a book, and become unhappy with the time I've spent indoors reading on a nice day. I tend towards apathy when at home, like I'm telling myself going out or doing something productive won't satiate me. I feel... no, I know that there's something, maybe more than one thing, missing from my life.

I know the hole at my side where my love should be is one of them, and I know the lack of a direction in my future is most definitely another. But the trouble is that I don't know if there are more things in my life that are lacking and causing this feeling of unease.

I want to eat something and I don't know what, I want to dance yet I hear no music and something holds me back, I want to be in your arms yet this distance thwarts me. I want to feel your hand on my cheek and the sweet brush of your lips on mine. I want to have a purpose and a direction in my life - somewhere I can head towards.

I'm so sick of this.

I'm so sick and tired of being beat at from all angles about where I'm taking my life. I know my family means well but it seems like I can't go a day without them bringing it up, offering advice, asking questions, probing my mind to try to find answers that aren't there, misunderstanding my meaning, my intentions, my desires...

I'm so sick of being unsure, and not having the courage and drive to do what it takes for me to become sure.

I'm so sick of crying, and crying, and crying because I feel adrift in a sea of wonderful possibilities that I just don't seem to want to reach out and grasp. I'm sick of myself, sick of my inability to commit to anything, sick of this feeling of inadequacy that is only magnified by my family's solicitousness and attention. The slightest sign of sympathy just makes the tears come harder.

I'm so sick of the endless loop in my head. I wish I could spend one freaking day without this endless litany of "Where am I going? What am I doing? Why can't I make any decisions?" running through my head. I can't relax for one moment without bombarding myself with questions that I can't answer, try as I might.

I'm so god damned sick of this.

Military Girlfriend

I am a military girlfriend.
I hold no formal recognition with the powers that be.
I am at the bottom of the chain.
I hold no military ID card.
I am not a dependent or a parent.
The man I love may face unspeakable dangers, and I am at the mercy of those who possess this recognition for news.
I understand this and accept this.

I am a military girlfriend.
I have promised to be here for him upon his return, no matter how long he is away.
People may say I am insane for making such a commitment with no guarantees, but I hold onto our promises and have faith that he will come home safe to me.
I know full well that my love for him fuels him in the worst of times.

I am a military girlfriend, there is no ring on my finger to symbolize our commitment, though I love him no less for it.
I hope everyday that he will be able to call because a simple 30 second phone call can bring the greatest spectrum of emotions, smiling with tears in my eyes from so much joy and pain.
My relationship is based on a brief communication where "I love you" and " I'm okay" speaks more than volumes and gives me the strength to keep going.

I am a military girlfriend.
I take no moment spent together for granted.
I hold onto every touch, caress, kiss, every word.
I have memorized the feel of his skin, his smell, the sound of his voice, and I play it over and over in my mind so that I will not forget.
I cry myself some nights because missing him hurts so badly, but wake up the next morning, brush myself off, and start a new day.
I am a military girlfriend, not a spouse or a family member.
When you say your prayers for the wives, mothers, and fathers, please don't forget about me.

Longing

Sometimes I long for your touch so badly that I can actually feel it in my body. I feel my body craving physical contact with you, feel my nerves starving to feel you close. My body yearns for you, desires your presence on such a deep level that at times I don't know how to bear it. It is not a sexual feeling, although I definitely feel that sort of desire for you. Rather, it is a longing for the comfort and total rightness of being next to you, in your arms and within your presence.

Sometimes I can barely sit still, because I have an almost uncontrollable urge to simply get up and go to you, to walk into your arms and let you hold me for always.

Sometimes I can feel my body reaching out to you, feel myself lean into nothingness with the desire to be near you. I sometimes lie awake in my bed, sending out mental curses to fate for separating us, for depriving me of the one being I most desire to be with.

A hug

It struck me today, crying in my Dad's arms, that I honestly can't remember the last time he really held me before that moment. That made me sad, but so glad to be held.

Older times

"You are the answer to every prayer I've offered. You are a song, a dream, a whisper, and I don't know how I could have lived without you for as long as I have. I love you, Allie, more than you can ever imagine. I always have, and I always will."

How come no one talks like this any more, except in books? It makes me sad.

Missing You

If I had a single flower for every time I think about you, I could walk forever in my garden. ~Claudia Ghandi


What is the opposite of two? A lonely me, a lonely you. ~Richard Wilbur


Love reckons hours for months, and days for years; and every little absence is an age. ~John Dryden


The reason it hurts so much to separate is because our souls are connected. ~Nicholas Sparks, The Notebook


-----

To see you when I wake up
Is a gift I didn't think could be real.
To know that you feel the same as I do
Is a three-fold, Utopian dream.

You do something to me that I can't explain.
So would I be out of line if I said "I miss you"?

I see your picture.
I smell your skin on
The empty pillow next to mine.
You have only been gone ten days,
But already I'm wasting away.
I know I'll see you again
Whether far or soon.
But I need you to know that I care,
And I miss you.

~Incubus - I Miss You


-----

Wouldnt it be nice if we were older
Then we wouldnt have to wait so long
And wouldnt it be nice to live together
In the kind of world where we belong

You know its gonna make it that much better
When we can say goodnight and stay together

Wouldnt it be nice if we could wake up
In the morning when the day is new
And after having spent the day together
Hold each other close the whole night through

Happy times together weve been spending
I wish that every kiss was neverending
Wouldnt it be nice

Maybe if we think and wish and hope and pray it might come true
Baby then there wouldnt be a single thing we couldnt do
We could be married
And then wed be happy

Wouldnt it be nice

You know it seems the more we talk about it
It only makes it worse to live without it
But lets talk about it
Wouldnt it be nice

~Beach Boys - Wouldn't It Be Nice


-----

Hello there the angel from my nightmare
The shadow in the background of the morgue
The unsuspecting victim of darkness in the valley
We can live like Jack and Sally if we want
Where you can always find me
And we'll have Halloween on Christmas
And in the night we'll wish this never ends
We'll wish this never end

Where are you and I'm so sorry
I cannot sleep I cannot dream tonight
I need somebody and always
This sick strange darkness comes creeping on so haunting every time
And as I stared I counted the webs from all the spiders
Catching things and eating their insides
Like indecision to call you
And hear your voice of treason
Will you come home and stop this pain tonight
Stop this pain tonight

Don't waste your time on me you're already the voice inside my head

I miss you

~Blink 182 - I Miss You


-----

Sometimes I'll be minding my own business and see something that reminds me of you, or think a tiny thought of you, and I'll suddenly be hit by such a wave of sadness, loneliness, and longing for you that silent tears will stream down my face. I try to be strong, but my heart is full of such heaviness and a terrifying blankness as I think of the coming months and (God!) possibly years before we can be together.

What have I gotten myself in to? Yet I don't want to get out, because loving you feels so right. It's just... right now it hurts.

Love

It isn't all-consuming, but it definitely consumes most. I hunger for you, yearn to be with you, and the simple thought of you brings a smile to my face. I feel full and heavy, like love is a thick, warm liquid that has been poured inside my empty shell and I am now filled to the brim with it, a rich, red, pulsing light.

It's desperate and terrifying, for my whole being rests in your hands and you could easily and carelessly shatter me at any moment. But it is also restful, gentle, peaceful. Because I know I have your love in return, I feel like I can move mountains and compose the kind of symphonies that create universes. I feel stronger than anything, as long as I have you. It's a heady, dizzy, ridiculous feeling, and I hope it never ends.

When I touch you, I feel as if I could melt into your skin and become one whole entity instead of two halved beings. Once joined, we would be safe, together. I want to climb inside your head and see what you think of this person, that sunset, those words. I want to hold your hand and never let go, sleep beside you and never rise from bed, kiss you softly and never let our lips part. I want to stop time and have an eternity to spend with you.


I can't think of any clever, meaningful, or non-cliche way to close a post about love. Love is, and everyone should try it at least once.

What I love about my city

I love the mountains to the north and how the sight of them means home.

I love the way the wind smells of sea salt when it blows from the south.

I love sunsets over the ocean.

I love how the change of seasons always sneaks up on you, until one day you notice it's suddenly spring/summer/fall/winter.

I love all the trees everywhere, and the multitude of green things that make this city gorgeous year round.

I love that the air is fresh and breathable.

I love how, on overcast nights, the clouds above downtown are coloured orange from all the lights.

I love how you can find any kind of food, from Mongolian to Korean to Indian to Greek.

I love how you can hear five different languages just taking the bus home.

I love being able to go to the beach, the woods, and the mountain all in one day.

I love the rain and how it keeps all the green things extra green.

I love that smell right before it starts raining... heavy and wet and delicious.

I wonder

I wonder, in my weaker moments, if I'll have nearly enough strength to last another year and a half, possibly even two, before I get to be with you for good.

I wonder if anyone reads this blog, and can't decide from one moment to the next if I care.

I wonder what you'll look like in 50 years.

I wonder if I'd be a good mother some day.

I wonder how much gas will cost in a year.

I wonder if I'll ever find a career that will both sustain and support me, and fulfill and delight me.

I wonder where I'll be in five years.

I wonder if (and hope that) you'll be there with me.

I wonder if I'll ever live to drive a hover car.

I wonder if I'll ever lose touch with my best friend since first grade.

I wonder if the red I see is someone else's green.

I wonder...

The memory of sleeping together

Once again in darkness, but this time I'm with you. We make love and talk ourselves into silence, and the calmess of sleep slowly descends. I'm nestled into you, the combined warmth of our two bodies spreading lethargically from my centre down my limbs, making me sink deeper into the bed. I listen to your breathing, take the pattern into myself and match you inhale for inhale, exhale for exhale. I decide that your pattern doesn't really suit me for sleep, and that's okay. I return to my own, and let my eyes close on the soft darkness around us.

Your surrender to the unconsciousness of sleep is heralded by your twitching fingers, and I sense the moment you slip under, as your body relaxes completely and your breathing deepens. I long to slip with you into oblivion, to travel hand-in-hand with you through the dream world and wake knowing our souls have been intertwined all night. I feel the boundary where my body ends and yours begins start to blur, and lose track of what is me and what is you. Here in the comfortable coccoon of darkness, it makes no difference if we are seperate beings or one melded together. I sigh softly, and let myself slowly relax and follow you into oblivion.

A Discourse on Dreams

I've come to a point where I'm rather fed up with my indecision. After working hard and studying for two years, I now sit inactive and out of practise as I have been for the last six months. If my dream were truly my dream, would I not be pushing every day to achieve it? Dreams are supposed to be a wonderful thing you hope and strive to achieve. I have everything I need to start working my way towards my dream, except evidently the willpower to start.

Is this because I'm scared of failure? An easy answer, a simple way to explain it all. Or is it because I chose my dream out of a desire for glamour, fame, and fortune? And because my dream is based on superficial craving, now that it comes to hard work and perserverance, my passion falters. It was fun in highschool and college, the community and support and understanding is amazing, but now I'm in the real world and I have to be realistic about myself.

But is all this merely an easy way for me to back out? Is it really just simple fear of failure that is causing my inactivity, and I'm simply making up all these more complex issues to mask my fear? If I decide to let my dreams go, will I live the rest of my life in regret for not pursuing them? If I do pursue them, will I regret later the choice to follow something I don't truly want?

I have to find the answers within myself, and soon for my own sanity. Unfortunately, my inner answer-giver seems to be rather silent on the subject.

Once the light goes out

Each night after I turn out the light and settle down to sleep, my thoughts turn to you. I think about so many things - about what our life could be like together, the hard times, the happy times, the realities of day to day life with you and how trying and wonderful it would be. I think about the change in me you've effected, how I feel stronger, more patient in a way, and so hopeful. I feel beautiful and amazing and cared for and loved in a way I've never been before. Loved for who I am and what I can be, for what I've been and done, loved with such an understanding and openness that I feel so blessed to have it.

I think about the lessons I've learned from the difficulties we face through this distance and your fixed situation in the army, from the depth of emotion I've felt for you and from the maturity we've both displayed since our first meeting. I think about the pain and fear I will feel when you're deployed away from me, when you are no longer a quick phone call or text message away, when I can't look at your face on webcam each day and see the love in your eyes. I think about being reduced to letters and the occasional email, about watching the news with terror in my heart while praying I never see your name.

I think about the way it feels to be in your arms, how it's a complete justification of everything we go through to be with each other. I yearn to be in your arms once more, to listen to your breathing as you fall asleep - always before me - and to feel the touch of your lips on mine once more. I can almost feel you there beside me, as if I could simply stretch my hand out across the bed and touch your warm back, feel the way you instinctively open yourself to me even in your sleep. I never move my hand, because I know I would feel nothing but cold sheets and emptiness, and my fragile dream that you lie beside me would vanish with the imagined heat of your sleeping body.

There aren't words with enough power and emotion to describe the way everything is now that I'm with you. There is a rightness to my world, and it feels like everything is a secret that is shared solely between the two of us. I can't wait for the day when we are no longer apart.

I miss you, and love you.