I'm so sick of this.

I'm so sick and tired of being beat at from all angles about where I'm taking my life. I know my family means well but it seems like I can't go a day without them bringing it up, offering advice, asking questions, probing my mind to try to find answers that aren't there, misunderstanding my meaning, my intentions, my desires...

I'm so sick of being unsure, and not having the courage and drive to do what it takes for me to become sure.

I'm so sick of crying, and crying, and crying because I feel adrift in a sea of wonderful possibilities that I just don't seem to want to reach out and grasp. I'm sick of myself, sick of my inability to commit to anything, sick of this feeling of inadequacy that is only magnified by my family's solicitousness and attention. The slightest sign of sympathy just makes the tears come harder.

I'm so sick of the endless loop in my head. I wish I could spend one freaking day without this endless litany of "Where am I going? What am I doing? Why can't I make any decisions?" running through my head. I can't relax for one moment without bombarding myself with questions that I can't answer, try as I might.

I'm so god damned sick of this.

Military Girlfriend

I am a military girlfriend.
I hold no formal recognition with the powers that be.
I am at the bottom of the chain.
I hold no military ID card.
I am not a dependent or a parent.
The man I love may face unspeakable dangers, and I am at the mercy of those who possess this recognition for news.
I understand this and accept this.

I am a military girlfriend.
I have promised to be here for him upon his return, no matter how long he is away.
People may say I am insane for making such a commitment with no guarantees, but I hold onto our promises and have faith that he will come home safe to me.
I know full well that my love for him fuels him in the worst of times.

I am a military girlfriend, there is no ring on my finger to symbolize our commitment, though I love him no less for it.
I hope everyday that he will be able to call because a simple 30 second phone call can bring the greatest spectrum of emotions, smiling with tears in my eyes from so much joy and pain.
My relationship is based on a brief communication where "I love you" and " I'm okay" speaks more than volumes and gives me the strength to keep going.

I am a military girlfriend.
I take no moment spent together for granted.
I hold onto every touch, caress, kiss, every word.
I have memorized the feel of his skin, his smell, the sound of his voice, and I play it over and over in my mind so that I will not forget.
I cry myself some nights because missing him hurts so badly, but wake up the next morning, brush myself off, and start a new day.
I am a military girlfriend, not a spouse or a family member.
When you say your prayers for the wives, mothers, and fathers, please don't forget about me.