My Armour Fails at Night

I have developed an excellent set of armour. It keeps the sadness from getting to me, and I can go about my day like a normal person. Part of my armour is keeping myself busy, and another part is just not thinking too much about you, and us. My armour is very effective during the day.

But when I climb in bed and turn out the light, my armour instantly dissolves and the sadness hits me. It's uncanny how practically instantaneous it is. One minute I'm fine, setting the alarm on my phone and grabbing my sleeping mask, then I turn out the light, roll over, and I'm depressed. I don't always cry, but I always get sad.

I also get angry, at the circumstances that have taken us apart. I try not to let myself ponder what ifs, but lying in my bed in the dark they poke at the edge of my brain. What if I was American? What if you were Canadian? What if you lived in Washington or Oregon instead of Georgia? What if I only had a couple months instead of a couple years of school left? What if? What if? What if? I think about the next two or three years of school and I get angry, and tired.

I also get hit with memories of the time we've had together, which make me both happy and sad. I'd list a few now, but I know that wouldn't be productive cause it'd just make me cry. Let me just say that there are a lot of them and I'm so happy to have them.

I miss you so much. I keep looking for you on MSN and online, wanting to have a conversation with you. I get the urge to text you so much but I always feel like I'm going to be interrupting you or bugging you. I miss the sound of your voice but I don't want to call in case you can't talk, because I know hearing your voice for a second and having to hang up because you're busy will probably just make me more sad. I don't want to be the whiny, nagging girl who you avoid.

I'm working really hard at not being bitter at the universe/God, but it's really hard not to be right now.

I'm sorry about all these whiny, depressing blog entries, but this is what I do when I need to talk my feelings, because I know if I tried to say these things out loud to someone, I'd just dissolve into a useless puddle of tears. I'm not going about my days in a cloud of depression, but sometimes I just need to say these things, even if I'm just typing them on a blog that only you read.

I hope you're doing as well as, or better than, I am with all this.