Warning: May Contain Whining

(Who am I kidding? Definitely contains whining.)

I hate saying goodnight to you. The first time we chatted after you left, when I went to say goodnight, I sat there with "goodnight " written and my fingers hovering over the keyboard to type "baby" for a long time before I finally wrote "mike" and felt my heart crack just a tiny bit more. Now every time I say goodnight to you I feel the absence of that "baby" that I can't say now cause maybe it will mean more than it does and I can't say "sweetie" or "hun" because I call everyone that and you're not just an everyone to me. So I sit there agonizing over how to say goodnight, like a complete moron.

I hate saying goodnight cause it means now I have to face my big, empty, lonely bed, which I've already gone on and on about so I won't expand further tonight.

I hate saying goodnight cause then I want to hug and kiss you, and every time I think of hugging and kissing you, that crack in my heart gets a tiny bit bigger.

Talking to you feels like I'm a huge fake, because most of the time I'm searching for neutral, inane things to say instead of saying what I really want to say because I know you'd just find me annoying and needy. I can't just moan on and on at you about how I miss you and love you and hate being apart from you and blah blah blah. You know how I feel, and saying it every time I see you won't change anything or make any of the pain go away. I never want to make you roll your eyes and say to yourself "oh great, here she goes again, crying and clutching at me like a desperate idiot." I never want you to be embarrassed because of me.

I miss talking to you but I'm scared to call you, in case we end up with nothing to say to each other and a big, long, awkward silence that screams at me that we're totally and completely over and I may as well let go of all my cautious hopes for us.

Thank you for the necklace. I know I asked specifically for one so you may feel like its worth as a present is lessened by the lack of surprise, but the jewelery set is beautiful and I love it. The necklace makes me feel better when I get sad or lonely, and I touch it and remind myself that whatever I'm feeling, whatever happens, I was loved by a wonderful man.