On brothers and bridesmaids

My brother and I were never very close growing up. As younger children we had the standard sibling squabbles, and he'd pin me down and tickle me til I couldn't breathe and started crying, whereas I'd manage to get out of punishment for fights we had - while pinning the blame on him.

Then when we reached early adolescence, our parents split up. He went to live with Dad, and I went with Mom. We didn't see each other every day anymore - more like every other weekend, sometimes more frequently, but more often less than that. For my last couple of years of high school, I moved in with my Dad and actually lived with my brother on a permanent basis for the first time since I was twelve.

I think that time (more or less) apart allowed us to readjust our childhood relationship into an adult one. We sometimes had talks about important things like careers and goals in life, but looking back, I don't think I ever truly opened myself up to him. The majority of our time together was spent having fun and playing games, or with me driving him places (since I got my license several years before he did).

Then after high school I moved to Toronto for two years to go to school, only coming home for a couple weeks at a time, a couple times a year. And just when I was finishing college, he moved to New York to start it. And with limited finances available, trips home weren't frequent. He also went to China for a year, which definitely limited any chances of easy communication.

Then it was time for my brother to graduate, and Mom, Dad and I all went down to New York to witness it all. Mom went a day earlier than Dad and I, and so was in time to go to a dinner my brother threw for his girlfriend's birthday. Dad and I arrived several hours later, and Dad dropped me off at a graduation party to hang out with my brother while he went to the hotel to sleep. As my brother was walking me to meet all his friends, he mentioned that he was excited for me to meet them, and that most of them were still around after the proposal dinner.

My reaction was something like, "Whaaaaa?" He said, "you know I proposed tonight, right?"

My family hadn't mentioned a word. My Mom knew, as did Dad and my step-mom. As usual, I was left out of the big news til last. I made jokes about it, but inside I was thinking of the recurring theme through my life of feeling left out of family things. For instance, I was floored when my parents announced their split, whereas my brother was expecting it and totally unsurprised.

This was the second time I'd met my future sister-in-law - once before when she and my brother visited for a couple days, a few months before graduation. I've now had the pleasure of meeting her three times, and the most recent one was when my family travelled to Ottawa to witness their civil ceremony marriage.

(She's American, so they wanted to be legally married to get started on the paperwork for when she graduates in May and moves to Ottawa.)

Their big full-on wedding ceremony is in October in New York.

I'm not sure what's tradition, but I thought sisters of the groom are traditionally included in the bridesmaids. However the bridesmaids are just going to be her friends.

I've only met my sister-in-law three times so in a way I can understand her not wanting me to be a bridesmaid, but still I'm sad and a little hurt that I'm not going to be part of their wedding. They didn't even inform me that I wasn't - my mom asked her for me. I would be honoured to be a part of their celebration.

I'm just sad, I guess. Typical younger sibling, feeling left out of everything. Only this time it's not just a feeling of being left out.

Wouldn't... Won't It Be Nice?

I can't get the picture of you living here, us being able to stay together for as long as we like, "playing house", out of my head.

I just wanted to declare that I can't wait, and tomorrow wouldn't be soon enough to have you here with me for keeps.

Like a real couple! :P

Wide Awake

It's 3:30am and I'm wide awake. Maybe it's because I slept for over 12 hours last night, maybe it's because I've been reading a great book for the last two hours, maybe it's because my thoughts are too heavy to let my mind float off to sleep, maybe it's because all of the above. Whatever the reason, I lie here awake in my bed in a cocoon of warmth and I miss you and I hate waiting. I wait til we chat next on MSN. I wait til the next time you call me. I wait til I can see you again, hold your hand and exist in the circle of your arms. I wait til I can stop holding my breath and start my life. I wait til I figure out what I wanna do with that life. I wait, in my bed, at 3:30am, and I miss you.

I won't list all the things I miss, because I've done that before and I'm sure I'll do it again. I won't tell you why I miss them, for the above reasons and because you already know. I won't whine, because I have and will again. I will say simply that I miss you, and know that that's enough.

I've cried a lot, and I will cry more. I've hurt, I hurt, and I will hurt. It sucks now, and it will suck a lot more before it's over. But life is what it is. I have loved, love, and will love you, and for me that is enough.

I love you, and for me that is enough.

I Was Just Thinking

I was just thinking that I have been missing you for way too long
There's something inside this weary head that wants us to love just instead
But I was just thinking, merely thinking I've got loads of pictures
I've got the one of you in that dancing dress
But man I feel silly in that dim light just after doing you by the sight of My Kodak delights
I am sinking, merely sinking
I think about long distance rates instead of kissing you babe
I'm a singer without a song
If I wait for you longer my affection is stronger
I, I was just thinking and thinking, merely thinking
That this boat is sinking
Yeah I'm tired of postcards
Especially the ones with cute dogs and cupids
I'm tired of calling you and missing you
And dreaming that I've slept with you
Don't get me wrong I still desperately love you
Inside this weary head
I just want us to love, just instead
But I was just thinking and thinking, merely thinking
I think about long distance rates instead of kissing you babe
And time is running me still
If I wait for you longer my affection is stronger I was just thinking
Babe, I was just thinking
That I'm tired of calling you once a week
And thinking of long distance rates instead of kissing you
Baby I'm sinking, merely sinking


- "I Was Just Thinking" by Teitur

Gone

Well, you're really gone now. Gone for 15 months and separated from me by much more than distance. It's a damn hard situation.

I keep wavering between the solid belief that we'll make it through this, and the insecure doubt that we may not. Thankfully the belief weighs much stronger than the doubt.

It feels like I'm lost, wandering around confused and dazed by my loneliness. I feel like my heart is a big empty room, almost all in shadow with dust on every surface. All that indicates your presence is a trail of footsteps in the dust leading to, and through, the door... and the distinct feeling in the air of waiting.

Waiting... for 15 months.

Drained

It's like there's a deep pool inside my heart, or simply, a big hole. When I'm with you, the hole fills up with love and happiness until it overflows. My whole being is filled with light when I can kiss you and be in your arms.

And the second I let go of your hand and stepped through security today, I felt the bottom of my heart drop out, and the happy pool start to empty. It's a heartsick feeling, one I wouldn't want to wish on anyone.

Perhaps the worst of it is that I don't know when I'll be with you again and have my insides full once more. I only know that it will be some months, and it will be hard.

Unsatisfied

For the last couple weeks, a lot of the things in my life have been failing to satisfy me. When I'm hungry, I rarely want anything specific to eat, and the food I end up eating doesn't leave me feeling full even if I can no longer eat a single bite without bursting. I'm restless, usually unable to chose an activity to keep me occupied. Therefore I often bury myself in a book, and become unhappy with the time I've spent indoors reading on a nice day. I tend towards apathy when at home, like I'm telling myself going out or doing something productive won't satiate me. I feel... no, I know that there's something, maybe more than one thing, missing from my life.

I know the hole at my side where my love should be is one of them, and I know the lack of a direction in my future is most definitely another. But the trouble is that I don't know if there are more things in my life that are lacking and causing this feeling of unease.

I want to eat something and I don't know what, I want to dance yet I hear no music and something holds me back, I want to be in your arms yet this distance thwarts me. I want to feel your hand on my cheek and the sweet brush of your lips on mine. I want to have a purpose and a direction in my life - somewhere I can head towards.