Longing

Sometimes I long for your touch so badly that I can actually feel it in my body. I feel my body craving physical contact with you, feel my nerves starving to feel you close. My body yearns for you, desires your presence on such a deep level that at times I don't know how to bear it. It is not a sexual feeling, although I definitely feel that sort of desire for you. Rather, it is a longing for the comfort and total rightness of being next to you, in your arms and within your presence.

Sometimes I can barely sit still, because I have an almost uncontrollable urge to simply get up and go to you, to walk into your arms and let you hold me for always.

Sometimes I can feel my body reaching out to you, feel myself lean into nothingness with the desire to be near you. I sometimes lie awake in my bed, sending out mental curses to fate for separating us, for depriving me of the one being I most desire to be with.

A hug

It struck me today, crying in my Dad's arms, that I honestly can't remember the last time he really held me before that moment. That made me sad, but so glad to be held.

Older times

"You are the answer to every prayer I've offered. You are a song, a dream, a whisper, and I don't know how I could have lived without you for as long as I have. I love you, Allie, more than you can ever imagine. I always have, and I always will."

How come no one talks like this any more, except in books? It makes me sad.

Missing You

If I had a single flower for every time I think about you, I could walk forever in my garden. ~Claudia Ghandi


What is the opposite of two? A lonely me, a lonely you. ~Richard Wilbur


Love reckons hours for months, and days for years; and every little absence is an age. ~John Dryden


The reason it hurts so much to separate is because our souls are connected. ~Nicholas Sparks, The Notebook


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To see you when I wake up
Is a gift I didn't think could be real.
To know that you feel the same as I do
Is a three-fold, Utopian dream.

You do something to me that I can't explain.
So would I be out of line if I said "I miss you"?

I see your picture.
I smell your skin on
The empty pillow next to mine.
You have only been gone ten days,
But already I'm wasting away.
I know I'll see you again
Whether far or soon.
But I need you to know that I care,
And I miss you.

~Incubus - I Miss You


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Wouldnt it be nice if we were older
Then we wouldnt have to wait so long
And wouldnt it be nice to live together
In the kind of world where we belong

You know its gonna make it that much better
When we can say goodnight and stay together

Wouldnt it be nice if we could wake up
In the morning when the day is new
And after having spent the day together
Hold each other close the whole night through

Happy times together weve been spending
I wish that every kiss was neverending
Wouldnt it be nice

Maybe if we think and wish and hope and pray it might come true
Baby then there wouldnt be a single thing we couldnt do
We could be married
And then wed be happy

Wouldnt it be nice

You know it seems the more we talk about it
It only makes it worse to live without it
But lets talk about it
Wouldnt it be nice

~Beach Boys - Wouldn't It Be Nice


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Hello there the angel from my nightmare
The shadow in the background of the morgue
The unsuspecting victim of darkness in the valley
We can live like Jack and Sally if we want
Where you can always find me
And we'll have Halloween on Christmas
And in the night we'll wish this never ends
We'll wish this never end

Where are you and I'm so sorry
I cannot sleep I cannot dream tonight
I need somebody and always
This sick strange darkness comes creeping on so haunting every time
And as I stared I counted the webs from all the spiders
Catching things and eating their insides
Like indecision to call you
And hear your voice of treason
Will you come home and stop this pain tonight
Stop this pain tonight

Don't waste your time on me you're already the voice inside my head

I miss you

~Blink 182 - I Miss You


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Sometimes I'll be minding my own business and see something that reminds me of you, or think a tiny thought of you, and I'll suddenly be hit by such a wave of sadness, loneliness, and longing for you that silent tears will stream down my face. I try to be strong, but my heart is full of such heaviness and a terrifying blankness as I think of the coming months and (God!) possibly years before we can be together.

What have I gotten myself in to? Yet I don't want to get out, because loving you feels so right. It's just... right now it hurts.

Love

It isn't all-consuming, but it definitely consumes most. I hunger for you, yearn to be with you, and the simple thought of you brings a smile to my face. I feel full and heavy, like love is a thick, warm liquid that has been poured inside my empty shell and I am now filled to the brim with it, a rich, red, pulsing light.

It's desperate and terrifying, for my whole being rests in your hands and you could easily and carelessly shatter me at any moment. But it is also restful, gentle, peaceful. Because I know I have your love in return, I feel like I can move mountains and compose the kind of symphonies that create universes. I feel stronger than anything, as long as I have you. It's a heady, dizzy, ridiculous feeling, and I hope it never ends.

When I touch you, I feel as if I could melt into your skin and become one whole entity instead of two halved beings. Once joined, we would be safe, together. I want to climb inside your head and see what you think of this person, that sunset, those words. I want to hold your hand and never let go, sleep beside you and never rise from bed, kiss you softly and never let our lips part. I want to stop time and have an eternity to spend with you.


I can't think of any clever, meaningful, or non-cliche way to close a post about love. Love is, and everyone should try it at least once.

What I love about my city

I love the mountains to the north and how the sight of them means home.

I love the way the wind smells of sea salt when it blows from the south.

I love sunsets over the ocean.

I love how the change of seasons always sneaks up on you, until one day you notice it's suddenly spring/summer/fall/winter.

I love all the trees everywhere, and the multitude of green things that make this city gorgeous year round.

I love that the air is fresh and breathable.

I love how, on overcast nights, the clouds above downtown are coloured orange from all the lights.

I love how you can find any kind of food, from Mongolian to Korean to Indian to Greek.

I love how you can hear five different languages just taking the bus home.

I love being able to go to the beach, the woods, and the mountain all in one day.

I love the rain and how it keeps all the green things extra green.

I love that smell right before it starts raining... heavy and wet and delicious.

I wonder

I wonder, in my weaker moments, if I'll have nearly enough strength to last another year and a half, possibly even two, before I get to be with you for good.

I wonder if anyone reads this blog, and can't decide from one moment to the next if I care.

I wonder what you'll look like in 50 years.

I wonder if I'd be a good mother some day.

I wonder how much gas will cost in a year.

I wonder if I'll ever find a career that will both sustain and support me, and fulfill and delight me.

I wonder where I'll be in five years.

I wonder if (and hope that) you'll be there with me.

I wonder if I'll ever live to drive a hover car.

I wonder if I'll ever lose touch with my best friend since first grade.

I wonder if the red I see is someone else's green.

I wonder...