For after the rain when with never a stain
The pavilion of Heaven is bare,
And the winds and sunbeams with their convex gleams
Build up the blue dome of air,
I silently laugh at my own cenotaph,
And out of the caverns of rain,
Like a child from the womb, like a ghost from the tomb,
I arise and unbuild it again.
-Percy Bysshe Shelley,
The Cloud, 1820
Wednesday, March 7, 2007
Once the light goes out
Each night after I turn out the light and settle down to sleep, my thoughts turn to you. I think about so many things - about what our life could be like together, the hard times, the happy times, the realities of day to day life with you and how trying and wonderful it would be. I think about the change in me you've effected, how I feel stronger, more patient in a way, and so hopeful. I feel beautiful and amazing and cared for and loved in a way I've never been before. Loved for who I am and what I can be, for what I've been and done, loved with such an understanding and openness that I feel so blessed to have it.
I think about the lessons I've learned from the difficulties we face through this distance and your fixed situation in the army, from the depth of emotion I've felt for you and from the maturity we've both displayed since our first meeting. I think about the pain and fear I will feel when you're deployed away from me, when you are no longer a quick phone call or text message away, when I can't look at your face on webcam each day and see the love in your eyes. I think about being reduced to letters and the occasional email, about watching the news with terror in my heart while praying I never see your name.
I think about the way it feels to be in your arms, how it's a complete justification of everything we go through to be with each other. I yearn to be in your arms once more, to listen to your breathing as you fall asleep - always before me - and to feel the touch of your lips on mine once more. I can almost feel you there beside me, as if I could simply stretch my hand out across the bed and touch your warm back, feel the way you instinctively open yourself to me even in your sleep. I never move my hand, because I know I would feel nothing but cold sheets and emptiness, and my fragile dream that you lie beside me would vanish with the imagined heat of your sleeping body.
There aren't words with enough power and emotion to describe the way everything is now that I'm with you. There is a rightness to my world, and it feels like everything is a secret that is shared solely between the two of us. I can't wait for the day when we are no longer apart.
I miss you, and love you.
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