Wide Awake

It's 3:30am and I'm wide awake. Maybe it's because I slept for over 12 hours last night, maybe it's because I've been reading a great book for the last two hours, maybe it's because my thoughts are too heavy to let my mind float off to sleep, maybe it's because all of the above. Whatever the reason, I lie here awake in my bed in a cocoon of warmth and I miss you and I hate waiting. I wait til we chat next on MSN. I wait til the next time you call me. I wait til I can see you again, hold your hand and exist in the circle of your arms. I wait til I can stop holding my breath and start my life. I wait til I figure out what I wanna do with that life. I wait, in my bed, at 3:30am, and I miss you.

I won't list all the things I miss, because I've done that before and I'm sure I'll do it again. I won't tell you why I miss them, for the above reasons and because you already know. I won't whine, because I have and will again. I will say simply that I miss you, and know that that's enough.

I've cried a lot, and I will cry more. I've hurt, I hurt, and I will hurt. It sucks now, and it will suck a lot more before it's over. But life is what it is. I have loved, love, and will love you, and for me that is enough.

I love you, and for me that is enough.

Missing You

If I had a single flower for every time I think about you, I could walk forever in my garden. ~Claudia Ghandi


What is the opposite of two? A lonely me, a lonely you. ~Richard Wilbur


Love reckons hours for months, and days for years; and every little absence is an age. ~John Dryden


The reason it hurts so much to separate is because our souls are connected. ~Nicholas Sparks, The Notebook


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To see you when I wake up
Is a gift I didn't think could be real.
To know that you feel the same as I do
Is a three-fold, Utopian dream.

You do something to me that I can't explain.
So would I be out of line if I said "I miss you"?

I see your picture.
I smell your skin on
The empty pillow next to mine.
You have only been gone ten days,
But already I'm wasting away.
I know I'll see you again
Whether far or soon.
But I need you to know that I care,
And I miss you.

~Incubus - I Miss You


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Wouldnt it be nice if we were older
Then we wouldnt have to wait so long
And wouldnt it be nice to live together
In the kind of world where we belong

You know its gonna make it that much better
When we can say goodnight and stay together

Wouldnt it be nice if we could wake up
In the morning when the day is new
And after having spent the day together
Hold each other close the whole night through

Happy times together weve been spending
I wish that every kiss was neverending
Wouldnt it be nice

Maybe if we think and wish and hope and pray it might come true
Baby then there wouldnt be a single thing we couldnt do
We could be married
And then wed be happy

Wouldnt it be nice

You know it seems the more we talk about it
It only makes it worse to live without it
But lets talk about it
Wouldnt it be nice

~Beach Boys - Wouldn't It Be Nice


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Hello there the angel from my nightmare
The shadow in the background of the morgue
The unsuspecting victim of darkness in the valley
We can live like Jack and Sally if we want
Where you can always find me
And we'll have Halloween on Christmas
And in the night we'll wish this never ends
We'll wish this never end

Where are you and I'm so sorry
I cannot sleep I cannot dream tonight
I need somebody and always
This sick strange darkness comes creeping on so haunting every time
And as I stared I counted the webs from all the spiders
Catching things and eating their insides
Like indecision to call you
And hear your voice of treason
Will you come home and stop this pain tonight
Stop this pain tonight

Don't waste your time on me you're already the voice inside my head

I miss you

~Blink 182 - I Miss You


-----

Sometimes I'll be minding my own business and see something that reminds me of you, or think a tiny thought of you, and I'll suddenly be hit by such a wave of sadness, loneliness, and longing for you that silent tears will stream down my face. I try to be strong, but my heart is full of such heaviness and a terrifying blankness as I think of the coming months and (God!) possibly years before we can be together.

What have I gotten myself in to? Yet I don't want to get out, because loving you feels so right. It's just... right now it hurts.

Love

It isn't all-consuming, but it definitely consumes most. I hunger for you, yearn to be with you, and the simple thought of you brings a smile to my face. I feel full and heavy, like love is a thick, warm liquid that has been poured inside my empty shell and I am now filled to the brim with it, a rich, red, pulsing light.

It's desperate and terrifying, for my whole being rests in your hands and you could easily and carelessly shatter me at any moment. But it is also restful, gentle, peaceful. Because I know I have your love in return, I feel like I can move mountains and compose the kind of symphonies that create universes. I feel stronger than anything, as long as I have you. It's a heady, dizzy, ridiculous feeling, and I hope it never ends.

When I touch you, I feel as if I could melt into your skin and become one whole entity instead of two halved beings. Once joined, we would be safe, together. I want to climb inside your head and see what you think of this person, that sunset, those words. I want to hold your hand and never let go, sleep beside you and never rise from bed, kiss you softly and never let our lips part. I want to stop time and have an eternity to spend with you.


I can't think of any clever, meaningful, or non-cliche way to close a post about love. Love is, and everyone should try it at least once.

Once the light goes out

Each night after I turn out the light and settle down to sleep, my thoughts turn to you. I think about so many things - about what our life could be like together, the hard times, the happy times, the realities of day to day life with you and how trying and wonderful it would be. I think about the change in me you've effected, how I feel stronger, more patient in a way, and so hopeful. I feel beautiful and amazing and cared for and loved in a way I've never been before. Loved for who I am and what I can be, for what I've been and done, loved with such an understanding and openness that I feel so blessed to have it.

I think about the lessons I've learned from the difficulties we face through this distance and your fixed situation in the army, from the depth of emotion I've felt for you and from the maturity we've both displayed since our first meeting. I think about the pain and fear I will feel when you're deployed away from me, when you are no longer a quick phone call or text message away, when I can't look at your face on webcam each day and see the love in your eyes. I think about being reduced to letters and the occasional email, about watching the news with terror in my heart while praying I never see your name.

I think about the way it feels to be in your arms, how it's a complete justification of everything we go through to be with each other. I yearn to be in your arms once more, to listen to your breathing as you fall asleep - always before me - and to feel the touch of your lips on mine once more. I can almost feel you there beside me, as if I could simply stretch my hand out across the bed and touch your warm back, feel the way you instinctively open yourself to me even in your sleep. I never move my hand, because I know I would feel nothing but cold sheets and emptiness, and my fragile dream that you lie beside me would vanish with the imagined heat of your sleeping body.

There aren't words with enough power and emotion to describe the way everything is now that I'm with you. There is a rightness to my world, and it feels like everything is a secret that is shared solely between the two of us. I can't wait for the day when we are no longer apart.

I miss you, and love you.