Bed is Scary

I'm still up at 1:11am even though I have to be up at 8 tomorrow morning. Why am I up? Have I been sorting and putting away my stuff or being otherwise productive? No, I've been reading someone's blog for the last hour.

Bed isn't scary because there might be monsters or rapists under it. There isn't even an under-the-bed for something to be lurking in. Bed is scary because I know when I go to bed the loneliness will hit me like a tsunami crashing into me and crushing me under the huge weight of my sadness. There won't be any wonderful person for me to cuddle with, and no one will kiss me in the dark, wish me good night, and tell me they love me, leaving me with a sense of contentment and happiness and safety before I drift off to sleep.

I know myself, and I know that as soon as I get into bed and snuggle my pillow instead of you, and say goodnight to the teddy bear you gave me instead of you, and maybe even (depending on how pathetic I'm feeling at that moment in time), whisper "I love you" to you even though you're not there, I'll dissolve into tears which I'll stifle in a pillow because I don't want to wake up Dad and Ruth with my crying and make them pity my sadness. I'll start to try to space out my nose-blowings because I'll be worried that if I blow it too often, they'll automatically know that I'm crying even if they can't hear me doing it.

I imagine you're asleep right now, after having driven as far as you could. I wish I knew where you were, although I don't know why. Knowing where you are won't change the fact that I both miss you an incredible amount, and hate life and uncontrollable circumstances for separating us, maybe for good, on the day of our four year anniversary.

I'm grateful that we got the time that we did, but now that I've had a taste of what it's like to not only live in the same city but also in the same room as you, I'm afraid I'm terribly spoiled.

The thought of us not working out, if we do grow apart and find we're better off completely breaking up, makes me feel so tired. I don't want to start dating again. I don't want to have to work my way through the assholes and weirdos and Ed Hardy-wearers of the world to try to find another person who makes me as happy as you do. I've never met a boyfriend through a random encounter. I don't know how to flirt with people I don't know. It makes me anxious.

I alternate between intense sadness and intense rage. The rage is because I'm so angry at life for being shitty to us like this. I want to fly apart and break things and scream, but I'm not sure if that will make me feel any better, and then I'd have broken shit to clean up.

I've run out of things to say right now, so I guess I'll go be brave and get in bed.

I miss you.

On brothers and bridesmaids

My brother and I were never very close growing up. As younger children we had the standard sibling squabbles, and he'd pin me down and tickle me til I couldn't breathe and started crying, whereas I'd manage to get out of punishment for fights we had - while pinning the blame on him.

Then when we reached early adolescence, our parents split up. He went to live with Dad, and I went with Mom. We didn't see each other every day anymore - more like every other weekend, sometimes more frequently, but more often less than that. For my last couple of years of high school, I moved in with my Dad and actually lived with my brother on a permanent basis for the first time since I was twelve.

I think that time (more or less) apart allowed us to readjust our childhood relationship into an adult one. We sometimes had talks about important things like careers and goals in life, but looking back, I don't think I ever truly opened myself up to him. The majority of our time together was spent having fun and playing games, or with me driving him places (since I got my license several years before he did).

Then after high school I moved to Toronto for two years to go to school, only coming home for a couple weeks at a time, a couple times a year. And just when I was finishing college, he moved to New York to start it. And with limited finances available, trips home weren't frequent. He also went to China for a year, which definitely limited any chances of easy communication.

Then it was time for my brother to graduate, and Mom, Dad and I all went down to New York to witness it all. Mom went a day earlier than Dad and I, and so was in time to go to a dinner my brother threw for his girlfriend's birthday. Dad and I arrived several hours later, and Dad dropped me off at a graduation party to hang out with my brother while he went to the hotel to sleep. As my brother was walking me to meet all his friends, he mentioned that he was excited for me to meet them, and that most of them were still around after the proposal dinner.

My reaction was something like, "Whaaaaa?" He said, "you know I proposed tonight, right?"

My family hadn't mentioned a word. My Mom knew, as did Dad and my step-mom. As usual, I was left out of the big news til last. I made jokes about it, but inside I was thinking of the recurring theme through my life of feeling left out of family things. For instance, I was floored when my parents announced their split, whereas my brother was expecting it and totally unsurprised.

This was the second time I'd met my future sister-in-law - once before when she and my brother visited for a couple days, a few months before graduation. I've now had the pleasure of meeting her three times, and the most recent one was when my family travelled to Ottawa to witness their civil ceremony marriage.

(She's American, so they wanted to be legally married to get started on the paperwork for when she graduates in May and moves to Ottawa.)

Their big full-on wedding ceremony is in October in New York.

I'm not sure what's tradition, but I thought sisters of the groom are traditionally included in the bridesmaids. However the bridesmaids are just going to be her friends.

I've only met my sister-in-law three times so in a way I can understand her not wanting me to be a bridesmaid, but still I'm sad and a little hurt that I'm not going to be part of their wedding. They didn't even inform me that I wasn't - my mom asked her for me. I would be honoured to be a part of their celebration.

I'm just sad, I guess. Typical younger sibling, feeling left out of everything. Only this time it's not just a feeling of being left out.

Wouldn't... Won't It Be Nice?

I can't get the picture of you living here, us being able to stay together for as long as we like, "playing house", out of my head.

I just wanted to declare that I can't wait, and tomorrow wouldn't be soon enough to have you here with me for keeps.

Like a real couple! :P

Wide Awake

It's 3:30am and I'm wide awake. Maybe it's because I slept for over 12 hours last night, maybe it's because I've been reading a great book for the last two hours, maybe it's because my thoughts are too heavy to let my mind float off to sleep, maybe it's because all of the above. Whatever the reason, I lie here awake in my bed in a cocoon of warmth and I miss you and I hate waiting. I wait til we chat next on MSN. I wait til the next time you call me. I wait til I can see you again, hold your hand and exist in the circle of your arms. I wait til I can stop holding my breath and start my life. I wait til I figure out what I wanna do with that life. I wait, in my bed, at 3:30am, and I miss you.

I won't list all the things I miss, because I've done that before and I'm sure I'll do it again. I won't tell you why I miss them, for the above reasons and because you already know. I won't whine, because I have and will again. I will say simply that I miss you, and know that that's enough.

I've cried a lot, and I will cry more. I've hurt, I hurt, and I will hurt. It sucks now, and it will suck a lot more before it's over. But life is what it is. I have loved, love, and will love you, and for me that is enough.

I love you, and for me that is enough.

I Was Just Thinking

I was just thinking that I have been missing you for way too long
There's something inside this weary head that wants us to love just instead
But I was just thinking, merely thinking I've got loads of pictures
I've got the one of you in that dancing dress
But man I feel silly in that dim light just after doing you by the sight of My Kodak delights
I am sinking, merely sinking
I think about long distance rates instead of kissing you babe
I'm a singer without a song
If I wait for you longer my affection is stronger
I, I was just thinking and thinking, merely thinking
That this boat is sinking
Yeah I'm tired of postcards
Especially the ones with cute dogs and cupids
I'm tired of calling you and missing you
And dreaming that I've slept with you
Don't get me wrong I still desperately love you
Inside this weary head
I just want us to love, just instead
But I was just thinking and thinking, merely thinking
I think about long distance rates instead of kissing you babe
And time is running me still
If I wait for you longer my affection is stronger I was just thinking
Babe, I was just thinking
That I'm tired of calling you once a week
And thinking of long distance rates instead of kissing you
Baby I'm sinking, merely sinking


- "I Was Just Thinking" by Teitur

Gone

Well, you're really gone now. Gone for 15 months and separated from me by much more than distance. It's a damn hard situation.

I keep wavering between the solid belief that we'll make it through this, and the insecure doubt that we may not. Thankfully the belief weighs much stronger than the doubt.

It feels like I'm lost, wandering around confused and dazed by my loneliness. I feel like my heart is a big empty room, almost all in shadow with dust on every surface. All that indicates your presence is a trail of footsteps in the dust leading to, and through, the door... and the distinct feeling in the air of waiting.

Waiting... for 15 months.

Drained

It's like there's a deep pool inside my heart, or simply, a big hole. When I'm with you, the hole fills up with love and happiness until it overflows. My whole being is filled with light when I can kiss you and be in your arms.

And the second I let go of your hand and stepped through security today, I felt the bottom of my heart drop out, and the happy pool start to empty. It's a heartsick feeling, one I wouldn't want to wish on anyone.

Perhaps the worst of it is that I don't know when I'll be with you again and have my insides full once more. I only know that it will be some months, and it will be hard.