Unsatisfied

For the last couple weeks, a lot of the things in my life have been failing to satisfy me. When I'm hungry, I rarely want anything specific to eat, and the food I end up eating doesn't leave me feeling full even if I can no longer eat a single bite without bursting. I'm restless, usually unable to chose an activity to keep me occupied. Therefore I often bury myself in a book, and become unhappy with the time I've spent indoors reading on a nice day. I tend towards apathy when at home, like I'm telling myself going out or doing something productive won't satiate me. I feel... no, I know that there's something, maybe more than one thing, missing from my life.

I know the hole at my side where my love should be is one of them, and I know the lack of a direction in my future is most definitely another. But the trouble is that I don't know if there are more things in my life that are lacking and causing this feeling of unease.

I want to eat something and I don't know what, I want to dance yet I hear no music and something holds me back, I want to be in your arms yet this distance thwarts me. I want to feel your hand on my cheek and the sweet brush of your lips on mine. I want to have a purpose and a direction in my life - somewhere I can head towards.

I'm so sick of this.

I'm so sick and tired of being beat at from all angles about where I'm taking my life. I know my family means well but it seems like I can't go a day without them bringing it up, offering advice, asking questions, probing my mind to try to find answers that aren't there, misunderstanding my meaning, my intentions, my desires...

I'm so sick of being unsure, and not having the courage and drive to do what it takes for me to become sure.

I'm so sick of crying, and crying, and crying because I feel adrift in a sea of wonderful possibilities that I just don't seem to want to reach out and grasp. I'm sick of myself, sick of my inability to commit to anything, sick of this feeling of inadequacy that is only magnified by my family's solicitousness and attention. The slightest sign of sympathy just makes the tears come harder.

I'm so sick of the endless loop in my head. I wish I could spend one freaking day without this endless litany of "Where am I going? What am I doing? Why can't I make any decisions?" running through my head. I can't relax for one moment without bombarding myself with questions that I can't answer, try as I might.

I'm so god damned sick of this.

Military Girlfriend

I am a military girlfriend.
I hold no formal recognition with the powers that be.
I am at the bottom of the chain.
I hold no military ID card.
I am not a dependent or a parent.
The man I love may face unspeakable dangers, and I am at the mercy of those who possess this recognition for news.
I understand this and accept this.

I am a military girlfriend.
I have promised to be here for him upon his return, no matter how long he is away.
People may say I am insane for making such a commitment with no guarantees, but I hold onto our promises and have faith that he will come home safe to me.
I know full well that my love for him fuels him in the worst of times.

I am a military girlfriend, there is no ring on my finger to symbolize our commitment, though I love him no less for it.
I hope everyday that he will be able to call because a simple 30 second phone call can bring the greatest spectrum of emotions, smiling with tears in my eyes from so much joy and pain.
My relationship is based on a brief communication where "I love you" and " I'm okay" speaks more than volumes and gives me the strength to keep going.

I am a military girlfriend.
I take no moment spent together for granted.
I hold onto every touch, caress, kiss, every word.
I have memorized the feel of his skin, his smell, the sound of his voice, and I play it over and over in my mind so that I will not forget.
I cry myself some nights because missing him hurts so badly, but wake up the next morning, brush myself off, and start a new day.
I am a military girlfriend, not a spouse or a family member.
When you say your prayers for the wives, mothers, and fathers, please don't forget about me.

Longing

Sometimes I long for your touch so badly that I can actually feel it in my body. I feel my body craving physical contact with you, feel my nerves starving to feel you close. My body yearns for you, desires your presence on such a deep level that at times I don't know how to bear it. It is not a sexual feeling, although I definitely feel that sort of desire for you. Rather, it is a longing for the comfort and total rightness of being next to you, in your arms and within your presence.

Sometimes I can barely sit still, because I have an almost uncontrollable urge to simply get up and go to you, to walk into your arms and let you hold me for always.

Sometimes I can feel my body reaching out to you, feel myself lean into nothingness with the desire to be near you. I sometimes lie awake in my bed, sending out mental curses to fate for separating us, for depriving me of the one being I most desire to be with.

A hug

It struck me today, crying in my Dad's arms, that I honestly can't remember the last time he really held me before that moment. That made me sad, but so glad to be held.

Older times

"You are the answer to every prayer I've offered. You are a song, a dream, a whisper, and I don't know how I could have lived without you for as long as I have. I love you, Allie, more than you can ever imagine. I always have, and I always will."

How come no one talks like this any more, except in books? It makes me sad.

Missing You

If I had a single flower for every time I think about you, I could walk forever in my garden. ~Claudia Ghandi


What is the opposite of two? A lonely me, a lonely you. ~Richard Wilbur


Love reckons hours for months, and days for years; and every little absence is an age. ~John Dryden


The reason it hurts so much to separate is because our souls are connected. ~Nicholas Sparks, The Notebook


-----

To see you when I wake up
Is a gift I didn't think could be real.
To know that you feel the same as I do
Is a three-fold, Utopian dream.

You do something to me that I can't explain.
So would I be out of line if I said "I miss you"?

I see your picture.
I smell your skin on
The empty pillow next to mine.
You have only been gone ten days,
But already I'm wasting away.
I know I'll see you again
Whether far or soon.
But I need you to know that I care,
And I miss you.

~Incubus - I Miss You


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Wouldnt it be nice if we were older
Then we wouldnt have to wait so long
And wouldnt it be nice to live together
In the kind of world where we belong

You know its gonna make it that much better
When we can say goodnight and stay together

Wouldnt it be nice if we could wake up
In the morning when the day is new
And after having spent the day together
Hold each other close the whole night through

Happy times together weve been spending
I wish that every kiss was neverending
Wouldnt it be nice

Maybe if we think and wish and hope and pray it might come true
Baby then there wouldnt be a single thing we couldnt do
We could be married
And then wed be happy

Wouldnt it be nice

You know it seems the more we talk about it
It only makes it worse to live without it
But lets talk about it
Wouldnt it be nice

~Beach Boys - Wouldn't It Be Nice


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Hello there the angel from my nightmare
The shadow in the background of the morgue
The unsuspecting victim of darkness in the valley
We can live like Jack and Sally if we want
Where you can always find me
And we'll have Halloween on Christmas
And in the night we'll wish this never ends
We'll wish this never end

Where are you and I'm so sorry
I cannot sleep I cannot dream tonight
I need somebody and always
This sick strange darkness comes creeping on so haunting every time
And as I stared I counted the webs from all the spiders
Catching things and eating their insides
Like indecision to call you
And hear your voice of treason
Will you come home and stop this pain tonight
Stop this pain tonight

Don't waste your time on me you're already the voice inside my head

I miss you

~Blink 182 - I Miss You


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Sometimes I'll be minding my own business and see something that reminds me of you, or think a tiny thought of you, and I'll suddenly be hit by such a wave of sadness, loneliness, and longing for you that silent tears will stream down my face. I try to be strong, but my heart is full of such heaviness and a terrifying blankness as I think of the coming months and (God!) possibly years before we can be together.

What have I gotten myself in to? Yet I don't want to get out, because loving you feels so right. It's just... right now it hurts.