Warning: May Contain Whining

(Who am I kidding? Definitely contains whining.)

I hate saying goodnight to you. The first time we chatted after you left, when I went to say goodnight, I sat there with "goodnight " written and my fingers hovering over the keyboard to type "baby" for a long time before I finally wrote "mike" and felt my heart crack just a tiny bit more. Now every time I say goodnight to you I feel the absence of that "baby" that I can't say now cause maybe it will mean more than it does and I can't say "sweetie" or "hun" because I call everyone that and you're not just an everyone to me. So I sit there agonizing over how to say goodnight, like a complete moron.

I hate saying goodnight cause it means now I have to face my big, empty, lonely bed, which I've already gone on and on about so I won't expand further tonight.

I hate saying goodnight cause then I want to hug and kiss you, and every time I think of hugging and kissing you, that crack in my heart gets a tiny bit bigger.

Talking to you feels like I'm a huge fake, because most of the time I'm searching for neutral, inane things to say instead of saying what I really want to say because I know you'd just find me annoying and needy. I can't just moan on and on at you about how I miss you and love you and hate being apart from you and blah blah blah. You know how I feel, and saying it every time I see you won't change anything or make any of the pain go away. I never want to make you roll your eyes and say to yourself "oh great, here she goes again, crying and clutching at me like a desperate idiot." I never want you to be embarrassed because of me.

I miss talking to you but I'm scared to call you, in case we end up with nothing to say to each other and a big, long, awkward silence that screams at me that we're totally and completely over and I may as well let go of all my cautious hopes for us.

Thank you for the necklace. I know I asked specifically for one so you may feel like its worth as a present is lessened by the lack of surprise, but the jewelery set is beautiful and I love it. The necklace makes me feel better when I get sad or lonely, and I touch it and remind myself that whatever I'm feeling, whatever happens, I was loved by a wonderful man.

Like Strangers

It feels like you've gone from being my boyfriend to being a stranger. I used to know all these little details about your day and your life and now I don't know anything at all. I can't just turn to you with the hundred small things I want to tell you each day, and it feels like I have no right to expect you to contact me.

A little space right now is maybe a good thing so we can both clear our heads. Or maybe not. I have nfi.

I just don't like feeling like we're strangers.

My Armour Fails at Night

I have developed an excellent set of armour. It keeps the sadness from getting to me, and I can go about my day like a normal person. Part of my armour is keeping myself busy, and another part is just not thinking too much about you, and us. My armour is very effective during the day.

But when I climb in bed and turn out the light, my armour instantly dissolves and the sadness hits me. It's uncanny how practically instantaneous it is. One minute I'm fine, setting the alarm on my phone and grabbing my sleeping mask, then I turn out the light, roll over, and I'm depressed. I don't always cry, but I always get sad.

I also get angry, at the circumstances that have taken us apart. I try not to let myself ponder what ifs, but lying in my bed in the dark they poke at the edge of my brain. What if I was American? What if you were Canadian? What if you lived in Washington or Oregon instead of Georgia? What if I only had a couple months instead of a couple years of school left? What if? What if? What if? I think about the next two or three years of school and I get angry, and tired.

I also get hit with memories of the time we've had together, which make me both happy and sad. I'd list a few now, but I know that wouldn't be productive cause it'd just make me cry. Let me just say that there are a lot of them and I'm so happy to have them.

I miss you so much. I keep looking for you on MSN and online, wanting to have a conversation with you. I get the urge to text you so much but I always feel like I'm going to be interrupting you or bugging you. I miss the sound of your voice but I don't want to call in case you can't talk, because I know hearing your voice for a second and having to hang up because you're busy will probably just make me more sad. I don't want to be the whiny, nagging girl who you avoid.

I'm working really hard at not being bitter at the universe/God, but it's really hard not to be right now.

I'm sorry about all these whiny, depressing blog entries, but this is what I do when I need to talk my feelings, because I know if I tried to say these things out loud to someone, I'd just dissolve into a useless puddle of tears. I'm not going about my days in a cloud of depression, but sometimes I just need to say these things, even if I'm just typing them on a blog that only you read.

I hope you're doing as well as, or better than, I am with all this.

Bed is Scary

I'm still up at 1:11am even though I have to be up at 8 tomorrow morning. Why am I up? Have I been sorting and putting away my stuff or being otherwise productive? No, I've been reading someone's blog for the last hour.

Bed isn't scary because there might be monsters or rapists under it. There isn't even an under-the-bed for something to be lurking in. Bed is scary because I know when I go to bed the loneliness will hit me like a tsunami crashing into me and crushing me under the huge weight of my sadness. There won't be any wonderful person for me to cuddle with, and no one will kiss me in the dark, wish me good night, and tell me they love me, leaving me with a sense of contentment and happiness and safety before I drift off to sleep.

I know myself, and I know that as soon as I get into bed and snuggle my pillow instead of you, and say goodnight to the teddy bear you gave me instead of you, and maybe even (depending on how pathetic I'm feeling at that moment in time), whisper "I love you" to you even though you're not there, I'll dissolve into tears which I'll stifle in a pillow because I don't want to wake up Dad and Ruth with my crying and make them pity my sadness. I'll start to try to space out my nose-blowings because I'll be worried that if I blow it too often, they'll automatically know that I'm crying even if they can't hear me doing it.

I imagine you're asleep right now, after having driven as far as you could. I wish I knew where you were, although I don't know why. Knowing where you are won't change the fact that I both miss you an incredible amount, and hate life and uncontrollable circumstances for separating us, maybe for good, on the day of our four year anniversary.

I'm grateful that we got the time that we did, but now that I've had a taste of what it's like to not only live in the same city but also in the same room as you, I'm afraid I'm terribly spoiled.

The thought of us not working out, if we do grow apart and find we're better off completely breaking up, makes me feel so tired. I don't want to start dating again. I don't want to have to work my way through the assholes and weirdos and Ed Hardy-wearers of the world to try to find another person who makes me as happy as you do. I've never met a boyfriend through a random encounter. I don't know how to flirt with people I don't know. It makes me anxious.

I alternate between intense sadness and intense rage. The rage is because I'm so angry at life for being shitty to us like this. I want to fly apart and break things and scream, but I'm not sure if that will make me feel any better, and then I'd have broken shit to clean up.

I've run out of things to say right now, so I guess I'll go be brave and get in bed.

I miss you.

On brothers and bridesmaids

My brother and I were never very close growing up. As younger children we had the standard sibling squabbles, and he'd pin me down and tickle me til I couldn't breathe and started crying, whereas I'd manage to get out of punishment for fights we had - while pinning the blame on him.

Then when we reached early adolescence, our parents split up. He went to live with Dad, and I went with Mom. We didn't see each other every day anymore - more like every other weekend, sometimes more frequently, but more often less than that. For my last couple of years of high school, I moved in with my Dad and actually lived with my brother on a permanent basis for the first time since I was twelve.

I think that time (more or less) apart allowed us to readjust our childhood relationship into an adult one. We sometimes had talks about important things like careers and goals in life, but looking back, I don't think I ever truly opened myself up to him. The majority of our time together was spent having fun and playing games, or with me driving him places (since I got my license several years before he did).

Then after high school I moved to Toronto for two years to go to school, only coming home for a couple weeks at a time, a couple times a year. And just when I was finishing college, he moved to New York to start it. And with limited finances available, trips home weren't frequent. He also went to China for a year, which definitely limited any chances of easy communication.

Then it was time for my brother to graduate, and Mom, Dad and I all went down to New York to witness it all. Mom went a day earlier than Dad and I, and so was in time to go to a dinner my brother threw for his girlfriend's birthday. Dad and I arrived several hours later, and Dad dropped me off at a graduation party to hang out with my brother while he went to the hotel to sleep. As my brother was walking me to meet all his friends, he mentioned that he was excited for me to meet them, and that most of them were still around after the proposal dinner.

My reaction was something like, "Whaaaaa?" He said, "you know I proposed tonight, right?"

My family hadn't mentioned a word. My Mom knew, as did Dad and my step-mom. As usual, I was left out of the big news til last. I made jokes about it, but inside I was thinking of the recurring theme through my life of feeling left out of family things. For instance, I was floored when my parents announced their split, whereas my brother was expecting it and totally unsurprised.

This was the second time I'd met my future sister-in-law - once before when she and my brother visited for a couple days, a few months before graduation. I've now had the pleasure of meeting her three times, and the most recent one was when my family travelled to Ottawa to witness their civil ceremony marriage.

(She's American, so they wanted to be legally married to get started on the paperwork for when she graduates in May and moves to Ottawa.)

Their big full-on wedding ceremony is in October in New York.

I'm not sure what's tradition, but I thought sisters of the groom are traditionally included in the bridesmaids. However the bridesmaids are just going to be her friends.

I've only met my sister-in-law three times so in a way I can understand her not wanting me to be a bridesmaid, but still I'm sad and a little hurt that I'm not going to be part of their wedding. They didn't even inform me that I wasn't - my mom asked her for me. I would be honoured to be a part of their celebration.

I'm just sad, I guess. Typical younger sibling, feeling left out of everything. Only this time it's not just a feeling of being left out.

Wouldn't... Won't It Be Nice?

I can't get the picture of you living here, us being able to stay together for as long as we like, "playing house", out of my head.

I just wanted to declare that I can't wait, and tomorrow wouldn't be soon enough to have you here with me for keeps.

Like a real couple! :P

Wide Awake

It's 3:30am and I'm wide awake. Maybe it's because I slept for over 12 hours last night, maybe it's because I've been reading a great book for the last two hours, maybe it's because my thoughts are too heavy to let my mind float off to sleep, maybe it's because all of the above. Whatever the reason, I lie here awake in my bed in a cocoon of warmth and I miss you and I hate waiting. I wait til we chat next on MSN. I wait til the next time you call me. I wait til I can see you again, hold your hand and exist in the circle of your arms. I wait til I can stop holding my breath and start my life. I wait til I figure out what I wanna do with that life. I wait, in my bed, at 3:30am, and I miss you.

I won't list all the things I miss, because I've done that before and I'm sure I'll do it again. I won't tell you why I miss them, for the above reasons and because you already know. I won't whine, because I have and will again. I will say simply that I miss you, and know that that's enough.

I've cried a lot, and I will cry more. I've hurt, I hurt, and I will hurt. It sucks now, and it will suck a lot more before it's over. But life is what it is. I have loved, love, and will love you, and for me that is enough.

I love you, and for me that is enough.

I Was Just Thinking

I was just thinking that I have been missing you for way too long
There's something inside this weary head that wants us to love just instead
But I was just thinking, merely thinking I've got loads of pictures
I've got the one of you in that dancing dress
But man I feel silly in that dim light just after doing you by the sight of My Kodak delights
I am sinking, merely sinking
I think about long distance rates instead of kissing you babe
I'm a singer without a song
If I wait for you longer my affection is stronger
I, I was just thinking and thinking, merely thinking
That this boat is sinking
Yeah I'm tired of postcards
Especially the ones with cute dogs and cupids
I'm tired of calling you and missing you
And dreaming that I've slept with you
Don't get me wrong I still desperately love you
Inside this weary head
I just want us to love, just instead
But I was just thinking and thinking, merely thinking
I think about long distance rates instead of kissing you babe
And time is running me still
If I wait for you longer my affection is stronger I was just thinking
Babe, I was just thinking
That I'm tired of calling you once a week
And thinking of long distance rates instead of kissing you
Baby I'm sinking, merely sinking


- "I Was Just Thinking" by Teitur

Gone

Well, you're really gone now. Gone for 15 months and separated from me by much more than distance. It's a damn hard situation.

I keep wavering between the solid belief that we'll make it through this, and the insecure doubt that we may not. Thankfully the belief weighs much stronger than the doubt.

It feels like I'm lost, wandering around confused and dazed by my loneliness. I feel like my heart is a big empty room, almost all in shadow with dust on every surface. All that indicates your presence is a trail of footsteps in the dust leading to, and through, the door... and the distinct feeling in the air of waiting.

Waiting... for 15 months.

Drained

It's like there's a deep pool inside my heart, or simply, a big hole. When I'm with you, the hole fills up with love and happiness until it overflows. My whole being is filled with light when I can kiss you and be in your arms.

And the second I let go of your hand and stepped through security today, I felt the bottom of my heart drop out, and the happy pool start to empty. It's a heartsick feeling, one I wouldn't want to wish on anyone.

Perhaps the worst of it is that I don't know when I'll be with you again and have my insides full once more. I only know that it will be some months, and it will be hard.

Unsatisfied

For the last couple weeks, a lot of the things in my life have been failing to satisfy me. When I'm hungry, I rarely want anything specific to eat, and the food I end up eating doesn't leave me feeling full even if I can no longer eat a single bite without bursting. I'm restless, usually unable to chose an activity to keep me occupied. Therefore I often bury myself in a book, and become unhappy with the time I've spent indoors reading on a nice day. I tend towards apathy when at home, like I'm telling myself going out or doing something productive won't satiate me. I feel... no, I know that there's something, maybe more than one thing, missing from my life.

I know the hole at my side where my love should be is one of them, and I know the lack of a direction in my future is most definitely another. But the trouble is that I don't know if there are more things in my life that are lacking and causing this feeling of unease.

I want to eat something and I don't know what, I want to dance yet I hear no music and something holds me back, I want to be in your arms yet this distance thwarts me. I want to feel your hand on my cheek and the sweet brush of your lips on mine. I want to have a purpose and a direction in my life - somewhere I can head towards.

I'm so sick of this.

I'm so sick and tired of being beat at from all angles about where I'm taking my life. I know my family means well but it seems like I can't go a day without them bringing it up, offering advice, asking questions, probing my mind to try to find answers that aren't there, misunderstanding my meaning, my intentions, my desires...

I'm so sick of being unsure, and not having the courage and drive to do what it takes for me to become sure.

I'm so sick of crying, and crying, and crying because I feel adrift in a sea of wonderful possibilities that I just don't seem to want to reach out and grasp. I'm sick of myself, sick of my inability to commit to anything, sick of this feeling of inadequacy that is only magnified by my family's solicitousness and attention. The slightest sign of sympathy just makes the tears come harder.

I'm so sick of the endless loop in my head. I wish I could spend one freaking day without this endless litany of "Where am I going? What am I doing? Why can't I make any decisions?" running through my head. I can't relax for one moment without bombarding myself with questions that I can't answer, try as I might.

I'm so god damned sick of this.

Military Girlfriend

I am a military girlfriend.
I hold no formal recognition with the powers that be.
I am at the bottom of the chain.
I hold no military ID card.
I am not a dependent or a parent.
The man I love may face unspeakable dangers, and I am at the mercy of those who possess this recognition for news.
I understand this and accept this.

I am a military girlfriend.
I have promised to be here for him upon his return, no matter how long he is away.
People may say I am insane for making such a commitment with no guarantees, but I hold onto our promises and have faith that he will come home safe to me.
I know full well that my love for him fuels him in the worst of times.

I am a military girlfriend, there is no ring on my finger to symbolize our commitment, though I love him no less for it.
I hope everyday that he will be able to call because a simple 30 second phone call can bring the greatest spectrum of emotions, smiling with tears in my eyes from so much joy and pain.
My relationship is based on a brief communication where "I love you" and " I'm okay" speaks more than volumes and gives me the strength to keep going.

I am a military girlfriend.
I take no moment spent together for granted.
I hold onto every touch, caress, kiss, every word.
I have memorized the feel of his skin, his smell, the sound of his voice, and I play it over and over in my mind so that I will not forget.
I cry myself some nights because missing him hurts so badly, but wake up the next morning, brush myself off, and start a new day.
I am a military girlfriend, not a spouse or a family member.
When you say your prayers for the wives, mothers, and fathers, please don't forget about me.

Longing

Sometimes I long for your touch so badly that I can actually feel it in my body. I feel my body craving physical contact with you, feel my nerves starving to feel you close. My body yearns for you, desires your presence on such a deep level that at times I don't know how to bear it. It is not a sexual feeling, although I definitely feel that sort of desire for you. Rather, it is a longing for the comfort and total rightness of being next to you, in your arms and within your presence.

Sometimes I can barely sit still, because I have an almost uncontrollable urge to simply get up and go to you, to walk into your arms and let you hold me for always.

Sometimes I can feel my body reaching out to you, feel myself lean into nothingness with the desire to be near you. I sometimes lie awake in my bed, sending out mental curses to fate for separating us, for depriving me of the one being I most desire to be with.

A hug

It struck me today, crying in my Dad's arms, that I honestly can't remember the last time he really held me before that moment. That made me sad, but so glad to be held.

Older times

"You are the answer to every prayer I've offered. You are a song, a dream, a whisper, and I don't know how I could have lived without you for as long as I have. I love you, Allie, more than you can ever imagine. I always have, and I always will."

How come no one talks like this any more, except in books? It makes me sad.

Missing You

If I had a single flower for every time I think about you, I could walk forever in my garden. ~Claudia Ghandi


What is the opposite of two? A lonely me, a lonely you. ~Richard Wilbur


Love reckons hours for months, and days for years; and every little absence is an age. ~John Dryden


The reason it hurts so much to separate is because our souls are connected. ~Nicholas Sparks, The Notebook


-----

To see you when I wake up
Is a gift I didn't think could be real.
To know that you feel the same as I do
Is a three-fold, Utopian dream.

You do something to me that I can't explain.
So would I be out of line if I said "I miss you"?

I see your picture.
I smell your skin on
The empty pillow next to mine.
You have only been gone ten days,
But already I'm wasting away.
I know I'll see you again
Whether far or soon.
But I need you to know that I care,
And I miss you.

~Incubus - I Miss You


-----

Wouldnt it be nice if we were older
Then we wouldnt have to wait so long
And wouldnt it be nice to live together
In the kind of world where we belong

You know its gonna make it that much better
When we can say goodnight and stay together

Wouldnt it be nice if we could wake up
In the morning when the day is new
And after having spent the day together
Hold each other close the whole night through

Happy times together weve been spending
I wish that every kiss was neverending
Wouldnt it be nice

Maybe if we think and wish and hope and pray it might come true
Baby then there wouldnt be a single thing we couldnt do
We could be married
And then wed be happy

Wouldnt it be nice

You know it seems the more we talk about it
It only makes it worse to live without it
But lets talk about it
Wouldnt it be nice

~Beach Boys - Wouldn't It Be Nice


-----

Hello there the angel from my nightmare
The shadow in the background of the morgue
The unsuspecting victim of darkness in the valley
We can live like Jack and Sally if we want
Where you can always find me
And we'll have Halloween on Christmas
And in the night we'll wish this never ends
We'll wish this never end

Where are you and I'm so sorry
I cannot sleep I cannot dream tonight
I need somebody and always
This sick strange darkness comes creeping on so haunting every time
And as I stared I counted the webs from all the spiders
Catching things and eating their insides
Like indecision to call you
And hear your voice of treason
Will you come home and stop this pain tonight
Stop this pain tonight

Don't waste your time on me you're already the voice inside my head

I miss you

~Blink 182 - I Miss You


-----

Sometimes I'll be minding my own business and see something that reminds me of you, or think a tiny thought of you, and I'll suddenly be hit by such a wave of sadness, loneliness, and longing for you that silent tears will stream down my face. I try to be strong, but my heart is full of such heaviness and a terrifying blankness as I think of the coming months and (God!) possibly years before we can be together.

What have I gotten myself in to? Yet I don't want to get out, because loving you feels so right. It's just... right now it hurts.

Love

It isn't all-consuming, but it definitely consumes most. I hunger for you, yearn to be with you, and the simple thought of you brings a smile to my face. I feel full and heavy, like love is a thick, warm liquid that has been poured inside my empty shell and I am now filled to the brim with it, a rich, red, pulsing light.

It's desperate and terrifying, for my whole being rests in your hands and you could easily and carelessly shatter me at any moment. But it is also restful, gentle, peaceful. Because I know I have your love in return, I feel like I can move mountains and compose the kind of symphonies that create universes. I feel stronger than anything, as long as I have you. It's a heady, dizzy, ridiculous feeling, and I hope it never ends.

When I touch you, I feel as if I could melt into your skin and become one whole entity instead of two halved beings. Once joined, we would be safe, together. I want to climb inside your head and see what you think of this person, that sunset, those words. I want to hold your hand and never let go, sleep beside you and never rise from bed, kiss you softly and never let our lips part. I want to stop time and have an eternity to spend with you.


I can't think of any clever, meaningful, or non-cliche way to close a post about love. Love is, and everyone should try it at least once.

What I love about my city

I love the mountains to the north and how the sight of them means home.

I love the way the wind smells of sea salt when it blows from the south.

I love sunsets over the ocean.

I love how the change of seasons always sneaks up on you, until one day you notice it's suddenly spring/summer/fall/winter.

I love all the trees everywhere, and the multitude of green things that make this city gorgeous year round.

I love that the air is fresh and breathable.

I love how, on overcast nights, the clouds above downtown are coloured orange from all the lights.

I love how you can find any kind of food, from Mongolian to Korean to Indian to Greek.

I love how you can hear five different languages just taking the bus home.

I love being able to go to the beach, the woods, and the mountain all in one day.

I love the rain and how it keeps all the green things extra green.

I love that smell right before it starts raining... heavy and wet and delicious.

I wonder

I wonder, in my weaker moments, if I'll have nearly enough strength to last another year and a half, possibly even two, before I get to be with you for good.

I wonder if anyone reads this blog, and can't decide from one moment to the next if I care.

I wonder what you'll look like in 50 years.

I wonder if I'd be a good mother some day.

I wonder how much gas will cost in a year.

I wonder if I'll ever find a career that will both sustain and support me, and fulfill and delight me.

I wonder where I'll be in five years.

I wonder if (and hope that) you'll be there with me.

I wonder if I'll ever live to drive a hover car.

I wonder if I'll ever lose touch with my best friend since first grade.

I wonder if the red I see is someone else's green.

I wonder...