Warning: May Contain Whining

(Who am I kidding? Definitely contains whining.)

I hate saying goodnight to you. The first time we chatted after you left, when I went to say goodnight, I sat there with "goodnight " written and my fingers hovering over the keyboard to type "baby" for a long time before I finally wrote "mike" and felt my heart crack just a tiny bit more. Now every time I say goodnight to you I feel the absence of that "baby" that I can't say now cause maybe it will mean more than it does and I can't say "sweetie" or "hun" because I call everyone that and you're not just an everyone to me. So I sit there agonizing over how to say goodnight, like a complete moron.

I hate saying goodnight cause it means now I have to face my big, empty, lonely bed, which I've already gone on and on about so I won't expand further tonight.

I hate saying goodnight cause then I want to hug and kiss you, and every time I think of hugging and kissing you, that crack in my heart gets a tiny bit bigger.

Talking to you feels like I'm a huge fake, because most of the time I'm searching for neutral, inane things to say instead of saying what I really want to say because I know you'd just find me annoying and needy. I can't just moan on and on at you about how I miss you and love you and hate being apart from you and blah blah blah. You know how I feel, and saying it every time I see you won't change anything or make any of the pain go away. I never want to make you roll your eyes and say to yourself "oh great, here she goes again, crying and clutching at me like a desperate idiot." I never want you to be embarrassed because of me.

I miss talking to you but I'm scared to call you, in case we end up with nothing to say to each other and a big, long, awkward silence that screams at me that we're totally and completely over and I may as well let go of all my cautious hopes for us.

Thank you for the necklace. I know I asked specifically for one so you may feel like its worth as a present is lessened by the lack of surprise, but the jewelery set is beautiful and I love it. The necklace makes me feel better when I get sad or lonely, and I touch it and remind myself that whatever I'm feeling, whatever happens, I was loved by a wonderful man.

Like Strangers

It feels like you've gone from being my boyfriend to being a stranger. I used to know all these little details about your day and your life and now I don't know anything at all. I can't just turn to you with the hundred small things I want to tell you each day, and it feels like I have no right to expect you to contact me.

A little space right now is maybe a good thing so we can both clear our heads. Or maybe not. I have nfi.

I just don't like feeling like we're strangers.

My Armour Fails at Night

I have developed an excellent set of armour. It keeps the sadness from getting to me, and I can go about my day like a normal person. Part of my armour is keeping myself busy, and another part is just not thinking too much about you, and us. My armour is very effective during the day.

But when I climb in bed and turn out the light, my armour instantly dissolves and the sadness hits me. It's uncanny how practically instantaneous it is. One minute I'm fine, setting the alarm on my phone and grabbing my sleeping mask, then I turn out the light, roll over, and I'm depressed. I don't always cry, but I always get sad.

I also get angry, at the circumstances that have taken us apart. I try not to let myself ponder what ifs, but lying in my bed in the dark they poke at the edge of my brain. What if I was American? What if you were Canadian? What if you lived in Washington or Oregon instead of Georgia? What if I only had a couple months instead of a couple years of school left? What if? What if? What if? I think about the next two or three years of school and I get angry, and tired.

I also get hit with memories of the time we've had together, which make me both happy and sad. I'd list a few now, but I know that wouldn't be productive cause it'd just make me cry. Let me just say that there are a lot of them and I'm so happy to have them.

I miss you so much. I keep looking for you on MSN and online, wanting to have a conversation with you. I get the urge to text you so much but I always feel like I'm going to be interrupting you or bugging you. I miss the sound of your voice but I don't want to call in case you can't talk, because I know hearing your voice for a second and having to hang up because you're busy will probably just make me more sad. I don't want to be the whiny, nagging girl who you avoid.

I'm working really hard at not being bitter at the universe/God, but it's really hard not to be right now.

I'm sorry about all these whiny, depressing blog entries, but this is what I do when I need to talk my feelings, because I know if I tried to say these things out loud to someone, I'd just dissolve into a useless puddle of tears. I'm not going about my days in a cloud of depression, but sometimes I just need to say these things, even if I'm just typing them on a blog that only you read.

I hope you're doing as well as, or better than, I am with all this.

Bed is Scary

I'm still up at 1:11am even though I have to be up at 8 tomorrow morning. Why am I up? Have I been sorting and putting away my stuff or being otherwise productive? No, I've been reading someone's blog for the last hour.

Bed isn't scary because there might be monsters or rapists under it. There isn't even an under-the-bed for something to be lurking in. Bed is scary because I know when I go to bed the loneliness will hit me like a tsunami crashing into me and crushing me under the huge weight of my sadness. There won't be any wonderful person for me to cuddle with, and no one will kiss me in the dark, wish me good night, and tell me they love me, leaving me with a sense of contentment and happiness and safety before I drift off to sleep.

I know myself, and I know that as soon as I get into bed and snuggle my pillow instead of you, and say goodnight to the teddy bear you gave me instead of you, and maybe even (depending on how pathetic I'm feeling at that moment in time), whisper "I love you" to you even though you're not there, I'll dissolve into tears which I'll stifle in a pillow because I don't want to wake up Dad and Ruth with my crying and make them pity my sadness. I'll start to try to space out my nose-blowings because I'll be worried that if I blow it too often, they'll automatically know that I'm crying even if they can't hear me doing it.

I imagine you're asleep right now, after having driven as far as you could. I wish I knew where you were, although I don't know why. Knowing where you are won't change the fact that I both miss you an incredible amount, and hate life and uncontrollable circumstances for separating us, maybe for good, on the day of our four year anniversary.

I'm grateful that we got the time that we did, but now that I've had a taste of what it's like to not only live in the same city but also in the same room as you, I'm afraid I'm terribly spoiled.

The thought of us not working out, if we do grow apart and find we're better off completely breaking up, makes me feel so tired. I don't want to start dating again. I don't want to have to work my way through the assholes and weirdos and Ed Hardy-wearers of the world to try to find another person who makes me as happy as you do. I've never met a boyfriend through a random encounter. I don't know how to flirt with people I don't know. It makes me anxious.

I alternate between intense sadness and intense rage. The rage is because I'm so angry at life for being shitty to us like this. I want to fly apart and break things and scream, but I'm not sure if that will make me feel any better, and then I'd have broken shit to clean up.

I've run out of things to say right now, so I guess I'll go be brave and get in bed.

I miss you.

On brothers and bridesmaids

My brother and I were never very close growing up. As younger children we had the standard sibling squabbles, and he'd pin me down and tickle me til I couldn't breathe and started crying, whereas I'd manage to get out of punishment for fights we had - while pinning the blame on him.

Then when we reached early adolescence, our parents split up. He went to live with Dad, and I went with Mom. We didn't see each other every day anymore - more like every other weekend, sometimes more frequently, but more often less than that. For my last couple of years of high school, I moved in with my Dad and actually lived with my brother on a permanent basis for the first time since I was twelve.

I think that time (more or less) apart allowed us to readjust our childhood relationship into an adult one. We sometimes had talks about important things like careers and goals in life, but looking back, I don't think I ever truly opened myself up to him. The majority of our time together was spent having fun and playing games, or with me driving him places (since I got my license several years before he did).

Then after high school I moved to Toronto for two years to go to school, only coming home for a couple weeks at a time, a couple times a year. And just when I was finishing college, he moved to New York to start it. And with limited finances available, trips home weren't frequent. He also went to China for a year, which definitely limited any chances of easy communication.

Then it was time for my brother to graduate, and Mom, Dad and I all went down to New York to witness it all. Mom went a day earlier than Dad and I, and so was in time to go to a dinner my brother threw for his girlfriend's birthday. Dad and I arrived several hours later, and Dad dropped me off at a graduation party to hang out with my brother while he went to the hotel to sleep. As my brother was walking me to meet all his friends, he mentioned that he was excited for me to meet them, and that most of them were still around after the proposal dinner.

My reaction was something like, "Whaaaaa?" He said, "you know I proposed tonight, right?"

My family hadn't mentioned a word. My Mom knew, as did Dad and my step-mom. As usual, I was left out of the big news til last. I made jokes about it, but inside I was thinking of the recurring theme through my life of feeling left out of family things. For instance, I was floored when my parents announced their split, whereas my brother was expecting it and totally unsurprised.

This was the second time I'd met my future sister-in-law - once before when she and my brother visited for a couple days, a few months before graduation. I've now had the pleasure of meeting her three times, and the most recent one was when my family travelled to Ottawa to witness their civil ceremony marriage.

(She's American, so they wanted to be legally married to get started on the paperwork for when she graduates in May and moves to Ottawa.)

Their big full-on wedding ceremony is in October in New York.

I'm not sure what's tradition, but I thought sisters of the groom are traditionally included in the bridesmaids. However the bridesmaids are just going to be her friends.

I've only met my sister-in-law three times so in a way I can understand her not wanting me to be a bridesmaid, but still I'm sad and a little hurt that I'm not going to be part of their wedding. They didn't even inform me that I wasn't - my mom asked her for me. I would be honoured to be a part of their celebration.

I'm just sad, I guess. Typical younger sibling, feeling left out of everything. Only this time it's not just a feeling of being left out.

Wouldn't... Won't It Be Nice?

I can't get the picture of you living here, us being able to stay together for as long as we like, "playing house", out of my head.

I just wanted to declare that I can't wait, and tomorrow wouldn't be soon enough to have you here with me for keeps.

Like a real couple! :P

Wide Awake

It's 3:30am and I'm wide awake. Maybe it's because I slept for over 12 hours last night, maybe it's because I've been reading a great book for the last two hours, maybe it's because my thoughts are too heavy to let my mind float off to sleep, maybe it's because all of the above. Whatever the reason, I lie here awake in my bed in a cocoon of warmth and I miss you and I hate waiting. I wait til we chat next on MSN. I wait til the next time you call me. I wait til I can see you again, hold your hand and exist in the circle of your arms. I wait til I can stop holding my breath and start my life. I wait til I figure out what I wanna do with that life. I wait, in my bed, at 3:30am, and I miss you.

I won't list all the things I miss, because I've done that before and I'm sure I'll do it again. I won't tell you why I miss them, for the above reasons and because you already know. I won't whine, because I have and will again. I will say simply that I miss you, and know that that's enough.

I've cried a lot, and I will cry more. I've hurt, I hurt, and I will hurt. It sucks now, and it will suck a lot more before it's over. But life is what it is. I have loved, love, and will love you, and for me that is enough.

I love you, and for me that is enough.